As a kid, I used to compare injuries with my friends and would try to see whose seemed the most painful and therefore making one of us the dominant of the pack. Typical boy school stuff, we would laugh at the one who had the wimpiest injury and marvel at the one that had an injury worth being jealous of.
Through it all, I now realise that of all fractures and broken bones, nothing compares to that of a heart in pain, which is powerful enough to incapacitate someone oozing so much machismo that it causes their chest hair to puff their shirt out.
I'm sorry I called you childish and made you think that your eyes may remain permanently black.
I'm sorry that I said you were irresponsible and made you think that your prospects at good health is something that's not on track.
I'm sorry that I brought your parents into this and had to show that I cared the way that I did, which seemed like more of an attack.
I told you last night; my anger and you don't seem to go hand in hand. My head had cleared after leaving my house, but the emotion that was anger was soon replaced with concern. Running to the bus stop, my mind beat me in a race with questions; "Would I lose her trust?", "Would I lose everything I have with her?", "Would she think less of me?", "Would I lose my chances?". My ground speed ate the dust of the speed at which questions came.
Whilst sitting in the bus, trying to keep myself pre-occupied I realised that it was as futile as my attempts to apologise. My iPod was angry at me today even, I sifted through a 64-song playlist for 5 minutes trying to find the song that I wanted. Was this an indicator that I deserved to suffer? To exacerbate the situation, the device alerted me that its power was low and there was nothing I could do. Reading the book in my bag was out of the question due to lacking sleep, yet sleeping wasn't an option due to my thoughts.
My anger got the better of me, which in turn pushed me out of line. It reminded me that to do this kind of thing was a part of you that draws me to you but it also reminded me of a question that I asked my mum. After my step-dad and her stopped working for several weeks, I asked why they didn't go out and look for work. She told me that after working full-time, I would properly appreciate leisurely activities. Maybe it was because I had to go to court from 8:45 through til 4 that made see it from a different perspective. You have to endure worse EVERYDAY, yet I was itching to get out from the court room at 11 and it was because of my idiotic nature that I took so long to appreciate what my mum meant.
You sounded so happy this morning but I shot it down with my negativity. You called me this morning so I wouldn't be late and because I asked you to. It definitely came off as though I didn't appreciate your gesture, but that's not true. I forgot to thank you for it. You're such a great girl.
It was through the stupidity of my actions that an epiphany came to me.
You don't realise what you have until you lose it, but all you need to realise how much you care about it is for it to be put on the line.
I'm sorry
--(--@
